You’d think a reasonable person would do their best to get along with their fellow passengers on a long flight. After all, being stuck in a flying metal box 30,000 feet up in the air, sometimes for many hours should logically would make us all bonded by common civility. That is if we actually stopped to think. But no, not us, clever superheroes that we are – we often become the rudest, least considerate stress monkeys we can be. As the plane ascends and the cars below become the size of dots, just before we disappear into the clouds, we set up our mind to show everyone who is boss.
I’ll give you my best tips on how to annoy even the most forgiving fellow passenger. OK then, let’s have fun!
1. Make sure you breath is as offensive as rag left unwashed under the sink, where you spilled a cup of milk. Try it: it’s incomparable! You can do it by eating a head of garlic and even better, bring some tuna or salami in your bag. Any stinky food will do, especially when you spray yourself with heavy cologne. It’s a charming mix. Then perfume the cabin with your breath by talking non-stop.
2. Bring your pedicure kit, and as you watch the inflight movie, clip your toenails, file your callouses and generally aim straight at nearby passengers. Another good idea is to wear the same socks that you wore to the gym and of course let your feet breathe. Unwashed.
3. Be as rude as possible to the crew and buzz them so often they barely have time to deal with anyone but you. Use the call button for slippers, earplugs, aspirin, headphones, to ask when you’ll be arriving, ask again, then ask for pillows and blankets, complain it’s too hot and/or too cold. They will love it! Also, don’t forget to buzz and ask again how much longer before you arrive.
4. If you have unruly kids, let them run around, unsupervised. It’s really best if you can have them cry as much as possible. If they’re under five, leave them alone in coach and tender hearted passengers will come to find you in First Class, as you’re knocking back cocktails. If your daughter has an ear infection, she’ll be howling from air pressure in the cabin. This will ensure that said passengers, will also carry a fork to poke you with.
5. Get very drunk and very loud. This is the situation when you want to sit with a bunch of cronies, preferably spread apart in different aisles. Make stupid jokes and tell long stories. It’s best to have friends with a booming voice, and if you don’t have friends on board, make some. Pick carefully though…you know what I mean, the good old jovial kinds. Party like there’s no tomorrow.
6. Here’s a good practical joke: If you’re flying from NY to LAX but suddenly feel like going out in Texas, a few loud comments about Ebola and terrorism, plus a titbit about how you handled bodily fluids in West Africa the day before, will do the trick. Before you know it the pilot will announce a sudden stop in Dallas, you’ll enjoy personal police escort and caring medical personnel will be doting on you. They’ll wear a mask and a HAZMAT suit, but that’s an extra bonus. The poor suckers who deplaned with you will be even more terrified as they wait in a cab line. Too bad!
7. If you snore like a buzz saw, you have it made. You certainly don’t want to look like a dork, with Breathe-Rite strips plastered on your nose, so here’s the best look for you: just shut your eyes while your mouth hangs open and I promise, you’ll become an instant recurring nightmare.
8. At the first sign of turbulence, get hysterical and as you roll your eyes up and scream, create a scene. Many people will be primed before you even put on your full performance but then start interrogating people about their spiritual beliefs, insert often how awful it is to be burnt to a crisp in a plane crash. See if you have the wanted effect. I think you will.
9. Conquer the aisle, and make it your very own. The aisles are used for people to stretch their legs, go to the bathroom and for the flight attendants to serve meals and beverages but not when you are there because you refuse to share the aisle! You look offended when people want to pass, make it harder and more complicated to get to the bathroom.
10. My final tip is to talk trash about the place you just left. You can do it even if it’s your own hometown, just for the fun. It’s fair to assume that a large percentage of the passengers will be residents of the city. Thus, if you just left Los Angeles for example, you can go on and on about how boring and airheaded the people are in California. Go on insulting them, riff by riff. Undoubtedly they’ll appreciate hearing about their total lack of culture and intelligence. Mock the local’s fake, bleached, plastic surgery enhanced selves. For good measure, imitate their speech and mannerism: exaggerate like crazy and if you’re any good, you’ll get a few laughs and insult a planeload of people.
Good luck and have fun!